Valarie Pearce
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tHE 4PS OF DISCIPLINE

11/13/2017

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When We Say the Word Discipline, Ha!  When we even THINK the word discipline, for many of us the immediate and very real thought is:  spankings, tappings, whoopings  or definitely some form of physical force!  But I encourage you today to see discipline through a different lens:  the lens of goals and accomplishments for your child's overall character, motivation, approach to behavior, consequence and the world around him.  Beyond your historical paradigm and the world you knew.

​It's all about goals.  Mom, if your goal is to  get your son to stop hitting his sister or his friend at school, hitting "him" may not be as effective.  Dad, if the goal is to get your daughter to stop yelling inappropriately and use her quiet voice, you guessed it, yelling at "her" may not be the best practice as we are the models of behavior for our children.

​I understand that because you choose physical discipline does not mean you are on the wrong side of the parent pendulum, however considering alternatives to  our approach must go well beyond the simplistic idea of  "behavior modification" to the progressive lens of who we want our children to be in the world.  What virtues do we wish them to exhibit not only with us but when they are apart from us.  And lastly, what do we want them to value, not only for this moment but, on into adulthood.   To that effect here are four simple tools to help you begin:

1. Persistence - Consistent, realistic, & effective consequences
2. Patience - Find your rhythm.  It’s a marathon not a sprint
3. Preservation - Learn how to discipline without increasing your blood pressure
4. Problem Solving - Creatively find healthy solutions to difficult challenges

​There is a certain kind human being every parent wishes to deliver safely to the world:  one that is kind, confident, capable and problem solving.  Let your practices be models to help them successfully do so!


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"ODE TO PARENTS"

9/16/2015

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I missed the training this morning!  How did I do that?  Really.   How does the facilitator of the training miss the training! 

I’m checking Iman’s hot temp as I get the call from my cool, but deliberate colleague:  Valarie, where are you?   
Me: Pardon me?
(I listen, listen, listen)  Arrrgggh! 


That was hours ago and my mental butt is still sore from the hundred times I’ve kicked it since then. I take my work seriously and a misstep of this magnitude was pretty devastating particularly because this was a training, Misconceptions About Black Parents,  this school “wanted” to talk about (collective hand clap), I’ve got lots of expertise in this area
J, AND I work for an organization that walks, talks, and breathes such subjects all the time. 

However I am saved (crowd wildly applauds). They’re willing to reschedule and I get to take a moment and share what I wanted to share this morning and that is:

There are some fantastic parents out there holding up this world by simply loving, blessing, educating and fiercely protecting their babies.  This is no small feat in our “#blacklives versus #allives matter” society.

You are courageous
You are beautiful
You are strong
If you were a celebrity you would be on the cover of Ebony
If you were in the military you would be awarded a gold star
If you were a writer, you’d win the Pulitzer
If you were an artist they’d place you right beside Romare Bearden
But you are a PARENT, raising God’s most precious creation, and because of this you are a partner in His Kingdom!

Wisdom:
You have the most important job on the planet, delivering a black child safely to an uncertain and doubtful world where their worth, beauty and abilities will be challenged, and you’re ROCKING it. Go on with your bad self! 

 




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Slap the "s" off:  superwoman & other myths

2/15/2015

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I’m every woman!  It’s all in me!  The karaoke stage from Portland to the Bahamas has aided my delusions of not only thinking I’m doing the song justice Whitney would be proud of, but of actually believing  I am the embodiment of this song with the woman who does it all naturally! 

Yes, slap that capital “S” on my chest and watch me fly! Or more truthfully, watch me get to a rousing start, then huff, then puff, sputter and crash.  My, how the mighty have fallen.

My friend, please take it from a recovering “super woman” addict, you do not have to be all things to all people.  Being blatantly honest, you can’t be!  I know.  It hurts.  Come here.  Let me give you an emotional hug.  There.  Now let me slap the reality into you!  

When you find yourself carrying  a psychiatrist’s notebook, a diaper bag, a referee’s whistle around your neck and the world’s best wife, teacher, boss, mom, doctor…mug in your hand.  Not only are you doing way too much but, you are wearing yourself out. Stop it!

Look at your relationships nakedly and honestly and ask yourself what your job description  really is.   You’re a wife to your husband.  Let the woman who birthed him be his mother.  You’re a manager for your professional team, not a referee for their grievances.  You’re a Best Friend for Life, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a psychiatrist as well, again, as usual.   

Lastly, you have ambitions, hope and dreams so require that spouse to help you with the little ones.  They’re not so little anymore?  Trash the diaper bag and require everyone to pitch in and help this “every woman” be all she’s meant to be.

Wisdom:  Never attempt to be everything to everybody.  Your job is to be a life-long partner in people’s growth, development and ultimate maturity.

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Angry latte

1/27/2015

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*Donna plopped my cup down on the counter and threw me a careless, “have a nice day.”  I looked at the smoldering cup, sure the boiling liquid would singe my tongue off!  I immediately gave up on asking  for a sleeve.

There are several things that really bother me, literal abominations: treating little people (our most vulnerable) poorly, over-talkers who go on incessantly about themselves, and interrupting my good book with, “is that a good book?” Added to my list, which may seem small but I assure you is not, is angry food!


If you have a saavy tongue, you know it when you taste it!  Coming from a family where food is fellowship, celebration, intimacy, long talks around the table and laughter, I can literally taste the emotion in food (it's a gift :) Love, delight , creativity fills every corner of the senses. This is why Donna at *SkyBucks  irked me!  I watched her measurements closely:

¼ Cup of Tired
1 ½  of on her Nerves
5 Pumps of They Don’t Pay Me Enough
With whipped steam & I Really Don’t Give A ----drizzle on top

It’s these times I’m thankful for the good in my life.  On days where lattes are crafted angrily, clerks are impatient , traffic congestion threatens your religion, or you have a health scare, it’s wonderful to reflect on the blessings, no matter how small.  Try:  I had the best latte two day ago,  last week's traffic was all green lights, my health could be better, but it was good enough that I got out today, and the kids may be hell, but they've got all their limbs & nothing's broken!

Wisdom:
  Take a deep breath.  Reflect.  Everyone has something they can be thankful for.


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In time of crisis

4/17/2013

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I watched the news today and once again said a prayer for Boston.  I felt only a small portion of grief & pain I know they're experiencing.  At times like these we often want to offer platitudes & words of solace, but I encourage you simply to LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE.  Now.  In as much as you can live peaceable, even with the most difficult people.  Find your inner peace.  Prayer, writing, bycycling, reflection & time with family are a few that get me through.   These are tough times for us and our country, but with Faith and the Truths that have preserved us and made us strong, we will get through.  We will make it.  Peace 
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    Valarie

    In Time of Crisis

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